So the last two days have been a whirlwind of eye-openers.  I do not know where to begin, but let's say it begins with the news of no classes on Friday, with that I decided to pay a visit to my friend Jeremy Coffman.  Well, we decided to visit his cousin, Corey.  I had parked my car on his hill, and when I tried to go back up the hill to leave the driveway, the tires were just spinning out. Well, I was afraid the front end was going to hit this pole if it went down the hill, so we decided to try to push the car up just a little, enough to get the wheels on the concrete. . .bad idea.  the car started rolling down the hill, when I went to get into the car to pull the emergency break the car pinned me up against the light pole in Jeremy's yard. . . I screamed, I was stuck in about 6 inches of space, my entire right torso just crushing, for about 30 seconds and by some mighty God-willing force gave Jeremy the strength to push the enough to get it off me.  When I got from between the 2-ton vehicle and the light pole, I was shaken, and so was he.  THe 30 seconds of near-death brought me to the realization that life . . .is as fragile as one stupid decision, just one instant and you could be gone.  I really don't know what I would have done without Jeremy's quick-thinking Had it been him, I think perhaps I would have been too freaked out by the site of my friend being crushed to think logically, but somehow, he was a physical hero.  Shaken we stood for a few minutes. . . I was sore, but numb.  I asked him if he was okay. He said "No, I'm traumatized. I thought you were going to die." I just hugged him, and for the longest time all the what ifs , the maybies and the reality that tomorrow isn't promised washed over me. I didn't feel the real pain until I woke up this morning.  I was dizzy with physical pain, but in my heart just glad to be alive.  Jeremy invited me later that day to come to his church play "heaven's gates" Most of you know I'm not particuarly the church-going person, but in what way can you think someone who steps in and physically, literally saves your life? Not much. . .Nothing. I am forever indepted to him, and for that I think i would consider him a true friend.  I never would have imagined such a situation rising but I'm glad it happened, because I have this new insight.  In those 30 seconds I saw everything more clearly than I'd ever seen it.  And I realized, I had a good life, that was taken for granted, and people that I loved that had no idea what they meant to me day in and day out. 

I realized all my fears, and how trivial they were.  I realized all of my misconceptions, my mistakes, my triumphs, my loves, my hates. .  . all of it in one instant.  I didn't say much about it to Jeremy, in a way I was afraid to talk about it. I thanked him. . .

When i saw the play tonight I somehow felt like Satan's actor was speaking to me when he said "I will destroy you, put things in your head and situations in your life to make you think it's not worht living." And I saw all of my wrong. . .I was so still when the invitation came.  I broke down, and something compelled me to go to the alter, despite the fact that I knew about 90 percent of the people int he room, and most of them saw me as some kind of role model I couldn't help but break down, and to cry, and I don't think I've ever prayed so hard in my life. For everything that happened in these past few months. . .2005 period has been up and down, and I realized I was dropped head first tonight in the warmth and in the reminder of God's presence.  And tonight I sit, thanking God for everything good and bad in my life over and over, just trying to imagine where my drifiting began, and there is no direction to point fingers but in myself.  I come off as so sure of spirituality, and I was very much so until tonight. . . Afterwards I saw a different light, the tears had cleansed my sight and every moment mattered, every word and every second that I was breathing, mattered, and I vowed to never have to re-dedicate myself again, I have strayed far too many times. Yesterday very well could have been the last day of my life, but I'm somehow one of the lucky ones and I was given this second chance at life, and I want to take full advantage of it and focus on my purpose, as opposed to the purpose of others. . . in other words I think God and I need some personal time.  I know now why things have been so hard on me. I haven't let God in because I've been too upset with myself, to annoyed with myself to let anyone see me, truth is. . .he saw it all the entire time.  I think the last moment I truley knew myself was at the bottom of a hiking trail, my feet in the water and my soul flying free across the lake, the horizon, the world, and into the Heavens. . .and after that night I made stupid decisions that lead me to a play where I just became angry with myself and wanted to blame all external forces, when all along it's been me hurting my self.  And now I understand why God made things the way he did, and why he took away certain things, and allowed certain things.  It's all a lessoned learned, and I come back, tired, exhausted from pain but grateful from my lesson.  I wanted to ask how many people there in that room believed in it with all their hearts, those words. . .I wanted to know who felt it, who saw it, who got it in the way I did.  God and I have had a long talk tonight, and for every person in my life I have to thank a thousand times over for your light and your dark, because I have loved you, and you have loved me.  And those that have known me throughout 2005 have seen the very worst of my weakness, and for those of you that are still here(and you know who are you) Maybe not in every single day, but in spirit, and on another plane, I feel you. . .and I love you dearly. 

Mandy Jane, my better half, my soul, my spirit, my heart, I love you so much and life without you would not be the same. I get it now, all the things you told me about God just about a month ago. I get it now. . .and I'm home. To stay.  And now I think I actually will go to church with you, my only hesitance before came from fear of this truth, that i had been so wrong in so many wrong ways.  Today I'm alive, and I'm thankful and I just want to live, and to live for God, and in the best way I can, and I think he sent me you to do this with me, so I would enver be alone, I know you're always here for me, no matter how crappy or great I can be, you love me.  Always. And I know there's been times when you wanted to, and deserved to choke me, and for the fact you didn't thank you :) I love you.

Kirsten Danielle Applegate, my truth,the one who always loves me no matter what, and always defends me, the one who holds my life higher than her own.  you bring such an element to my life that no one does, and I can't describe it, but just understand. . .it means more to me than anything and for that I am forever here, no matter where we go, we'll always find our way back to one another no matter how far we may stray. I love you.

Tanner West, my corpus collosum. What else can I say but Thank you? For all the things I put you through, for all the integrity you have, no matter how many gaps are made between us, you still meet me half way and hold on to the cool kid identity. I love you.

Austin Michael Wolfe, God knows I can't begin to describe what you've done in my life.  I suppose the best word would be just how you put it as a reflection, a reminder of who I am on the days I seem to forget, a beacon in the most foggy of nights on this "river" You have played such a drastic role in this life of mine in such a short time, and you are the standard to which I measure all men these days, and though none have met them, I thank you for showing me what a true man is, and what true friendship, no matter how angry we have been at one another, or what we have done in the wrong, we are always forgiving and carring of one another. I would do anything for you. I love you.

Jeremy Coffman, Wow. Thank you. I can't begin to thank you.  I just feel like I owe you everything, and I'm thankful that you are so modest. I'd like to tell the world of what you did for me, so that they may see how great you are.  thank you. Always. Thank you.

There are handful of you the have played roles in my life in a good way, but these are the five that need a book written about their impact, their beauty, their love.  I used to think you could only learn what love was from a romantic relationship, now I know Love is always being there no matter how far the person may get.  Just like Jesus, He is the perfect example of Love.  It doesn't matter what we do, how far we stray, how little we call, or hang out, or how little we speak at times, there are the moments we come back He welcomes us with open arms, and not a minute of questioning. All of you have held me in dark moments, and celebrated with me in the best of moments.  Each of you are such a divine element to me, and I can't thank you enough.  And for you all, I am me. . .and after this day I am never going to be same, but I assure you it is for the very best. . . I'll be here for each and everyone one of you 10-fold the fashion you ahve been for me.  Thank you. I love you. <3

Currently Listening Tension & the Spark By Darren Hayes see related

Like the kings and queens of our generation, we hold up the artists that move us so highly. . .

Darren Hayes' lyrics rock, always have.

"If there's a way to infiltrate you
Sway your mind and complicate you
I'm gonna crash into your world

And that's no lie
I'm gonna take you

I'll do my best to break you
I'm gonna take you higher
And that's no lie"

And like idols and lovers we dance around small talk like it will create some miracle.  And in the latest of nights we're tying up our fingers to keep from pressing buttons that flash the "Desperate" signal loud and clear for your other end to see.

I find the entire game enticing, beautiful. enlightening and no matter how many times I come around it gets more facinating, with the same ending the route changes each and every time.  Amazing. 

So predictable, yet the actual journey is that of no words can explain.  Up and down is inevitable but the middle ground is my favorite.  I'm the kind of person who endores the deepest of commitments, a lover, a hopelessly hopeful, and deeply drowned in the incessant need to trust, hope and love. . .

But ah, I have accepted this much of myself and that is all that matters.  For now anyway.

The day began in the most calm of fashions, I am usually counting down the seconds by this point in the semester, but I am simply enjoying all that is in front of and behind me. 

I find fate to work out in the most entertaining of ways. I. E. walking out of fourth period today for a few minutes to try and jog my mind, I was falling asleep watching some movie she(The teacher) had picked to occupy our minds whilst we had nothing better to do waiting for exams to come tomorrow. . And I asked to "go to the bathroom."

In my tired haze I made my way down the hallway, I just happened to glance behind me and notice him not far behind my own footsteps.  I laughed to myself, happenstance loves me sometimes.  And in the simplest of ways we spoke and joked, tip-toeing around our cowardly instincts in the most silly way. 

This is almost always my favorite part, the one I would like to rewind again and again before the honey moon stage wanes, and we are left in the reality of who one another really is.  I enjoy this stage in any and all potentialities.  Who knows exactly what will become of it all?  I most certainly do not, but in the strangest of ways he has my attention more than most are able to.

It's been a couple of months since these thoughts were originally aroused, in some way I find it endearing he refers to me as "his idol" But to some extent that would appear fatal, something this far from balance could eventually topple, and not in my favor.  I know I should think that I am crazy as my rapid hope mount in this fashion, but any other way and any other day would leave me full of fear.  Today he suits my need to be warmed in a soft light of affection yet at the same time given plenty of room for breathing on my own. 

My foresight proves if nothing else, this would be another great lesson to learn. 

No White Flag To Surrender With
Current mood: Ever The Same

Some would say I should be so angry, but in all reality I just find that means they win. 

Burdens don't come without a care in some form. . .

There are just some lines that weren't mean for only two hands to draw. 

IF it weren't for the music this early, I might be suffocating in my silence.  There's place and pieces of this town I'll never want to let go, but they are pieces I can take with me in worlds beyond this. 

Some say I should have given up everything by now, and some days I think they may be right, but I know somewhere and at sometime this will make more sense than I can begin to comprehend.

February presents doors I don't fear, but love.  There's lessons in places, in me, that must be learned before I get out there.  But I'm satisfied with that because someone is going to love to hear it.  Old or young, there will be an appreciation, somewhere. . .someday. 

The promise of "someday" or even lack there of promise, more like chance. . .is enough to keep me going.

Currently Listening Make Yourself By Incubus Drive see related

I Can't Help But Ask Myself How much I let the fear take the wheel and stear . . ."-Incubus "drive"

Austin was right that this is the anthem for falling asleep at the wheel. I heart you kid, I hope things are well and that Jeff County isn't drowning you in the fashion it(highschool) can on the worst days.  <3 YOu are one of the few who can't forget the warmth.  

Anyway. . . I can't help but notice all around me fear befriending everyone I know so closely.  And so I search for an anthem, a glimmer of hope and I wish I had all the answers to my friends' problems.  I love them so much yet I can't seem to create peace in their lives.  I do well to create it in my own, but I wish I knew how to turn so much of it inside out for them with my own hands.  The underlying trouble in all their troubles, has been fear.

Brandon Boyd wrote a song about avoiding letting fear take over. It is called "Drive" ANother example would be "Glass" But most people do not recognize that song.  . .

Anyway there is so much I've yet to understand about life and if anyone knows the answer, would you please share your knowledge with me? Because I simply don't get it, and I'm analyzing every angle in hopes of understanding it. 

There are so many people that sacrifice the best things that could happen in their life out of fear. FEAR.  What kinds of things?

Happiness. love. hope. friendships. memories to last a life time. lessons.  priviledges.  We dismiss all these things in life because we are afraid.  Afraid because at one point or another we've been showed that there is room for failure.  But since when is there anything on this earth worth losing out on love over? Tell me!?

Ugh.  I 'm so frustrated.  Get over the hesitance.  I know you've probably been hurt before. But you're afraid you'll hurt someone.  And you're so afraid of stepping on toes you never even get the joy of the dance, you just sit back and live vicariously, watching all of the others abandon their fear and live happy lives. 

"Risks just aren't worth it." What? Are you kidding me?  Risks are what have been taken in order to create, to find and experience everything good that comes in life.  Do you expect things to just come easily to you at all times? We're not little kids anymore. I am talking to all of you from ages 13-23.  Even a 25 year old man I know well submits that giving into fear is a better life than giving into love, and hope and trust and faith.  I KNOW it hurts when you lose out, and that fear is realized, but you know what you do? You try again and you go on because there is always going to be another chance as long  as you're open enough to take it.  As much as I'd like to become to bitter little girl and submit my life to a chronic fear, I refuse because that is what the masses do. All you rebels saying you don't follow trends, well giving into fear is a trend I hope you know. . .

Chelsea, Kirsten, Mandy, Austin, T.J. Hopkins., Allan Quinton, Brandon, Cory Walton, Ryan, Tanner, Derek, Kevin, Flip, Shane ( just to name a FEW) Have all given into fear at some point or another and lost out on something magnificent because you were just too scared.  I am not saying I'm innocent, because I"m not by any means.  I have given in many times. . .

But let's just say

We all get over our past

And let go of our baggage.  Baggage isn't cute, pretty, or sweet in any form or fashion. 

Let's pretend we are like children. . .

Remember when you were younger and no monkey bars were too high too climb?  Remember when riding your bike too fast down a concrete hill wasn't anything you would even flinch at?  Because you knew if you did fall, there was a bandaide dressed in your favorite design that would heal you, and you'd get right back on your bike and head down that concrete hill even faster and laugh as you conquered it, better, and faster.  Children have no fear. Why? Because they let go, they give up , they forgive and forget their past and  head forth at any cost because the fun of the gain is much better than resting mediocricy . . .

NExt time.

Ask yourself, is it you, or fear at the wheel of your decision? And if it's fear, make sure you cover your ears, close your eyes and go even faster, because there is always going to be plenty of bandaids, but one day you'll get too old to ride that bike and wish you would have. 

Currently Listening Make Yourself By Incubus The Warmth see related

Phone calls from the past create a smile transcending all time and space. 

Beautiful rememberance of where my passion began.  HOw could we forget the hours of intellectual exploration?  Would you know you made this girl fall in love with her safety? 

Monuments stand so much taller in this mind of mystery.  My fingers don't have to be crossed these days because despite all engative aspects the warmth prevails.  My concious mind seeks the most intricate of deatils tonight.  Love the voice of motivation.

"Tag, you're it," he says with an obvious smile.  perhaps it's been delayed.  But yes, missing someone can create divine character.  Particularly in such a deep embrace of yourself alone that hope is the sweetest of guides.

God instilled the most divine drive in me.  Don't ever fall away again DEAR PAST.  You are divine.

Speaking to Mr. Gary Leech reminded me of just how far I've come and just how far I've got to go. But I believe he somehow reminds me the worst is over.  I see him living in my darkest of days, going through exactly what I did just a few short months ago.  It's interesting to see how a certain few manage to pull through such things, and I've no doubt that he will.  I'm so glad to know he's alive. . .

Like the perfect song I've found the very lyric to move me into the unjaded, but wise version of myself.  God has layed decades od chance and pure inspiratin at my finger tips.  THe only one who knows my own trail this well is myself.

Spiritual inclinations brings me to the most peaceful place. Ins pite of every lie, snee,r scream, disapproval, embarrassment, failure, forgotten, heartache, set back, aggitation, . . . despite the unrelenting attempts of the darkness to consume me I know, within every fiber of my body there is a profound reason for my existence.

Thank you Gary Leech for you call tonight.  It's good to know you're getting there, and that Mr. Boyd is more than doing his job. 

I wonder if writers are ever aware of the deep impact they make on people. Song writers, poets . . .the souls that pour themsleves in words, and become limbs of inspiration meant to touch the perceivably helpless.  Could I ever begint to thank God for this brand of people?

I can try..

<3 Make Yourself <3